The Nutcracker: Dreams, Realizations, Reality

F.Y.I., this post isn't exactly "Chicagoing," but when you move to the city, part of the experience is what happens when you visit home...

Tonight, my mom and I went to see the Ballet Theatre of Toledo’s Nutcracker. It was cute, the humor was interwoven quite well, and it was good for such a young company of dancers, but mostly it flooded me with memories. Admittedly, it wasn’t the Toledo Ballet version I grew up watching, and in which I once danced. But, since Nigel and Anne Marie broke off from Toledo Ballet and started their own company, it’s still infused with some similarities, including one of the guest artists whom I remember from my girlhood. Sometimes, I couldn’t help but tear up watching, knowing that dance will never again play quite the same role in my life that it did for the fourteen years that I avidly studied it. So much of tonight’s performance just took me back to the moments when dancing was all I wanted to do forever. When you’re young, it’s easy to believe things like that—before repeated kneecap injuries and a fractured toe. I’m not bitter about it, because I likely would have opted for a more practical path, regardless of injuries, and I'm really happy with the direction my life has taken. I suppose, however, there will always be a slight twinge of nostalgia there.

It was really bizarre to see the way some of the dancers have aged (including one of the guest artists). I haven’t seen them in years, and tonight it was a blast from the past for which I just wasn’t entirely prepared. It’s been fifteen years since I performed in the Toledo Ballet’s Nutcracker, and I’m pretty sure I haven’t seen a Toledo production of it since then. So, yea, fifteen years makes a noticeable difference—especially in the dance world. It’s so funny how people remain preserved in your memory with the youth, vigor, and admiration they commanded when you knew them. And when you see them years later you take a step back and say, “Yes. They’ve aged, too.” It’s just that I remember staring, starry-eyed, at Anne Marie practicing pirouettes for her role as the Snow Queen, during a rehearsal when I was just a girl, sitting under the barre, cross-legged in my pink tights. And I remember how Gail would practically bend her body in half, arching backward during the Arabian dance. She was one of the most beautiful, sinewy things you’d ever seen. I didn’t see her tonight, but watching the Arabian dance, I was struck at how it paled in comparison. The thing is, as you get older, you realize that your heroes aren’t immortal.

Anyway, it’s funny to see a production like this and notice how drastically my perspective has changed. When I performed in the Nutcracker, I was blown away by the high school girls, who performed roles like Snowflakes, and Sweets, and Russian Dancers. I aspired to be them. By the time I reached their age, I pretty much was them, though I didn’t really think of it that way. Now, I look at them and just think, “My God, they’re so young, and there was a day when I wanted to be them.” It makes me laugh a little, but I know there are still little girls admiring them. Plus, I myself am still blown away by the talent of some of them.

Anyway, it was a little trip down memory lane, and it brought back some happy memories that I had long forgotten. Plus, it was a nice kick-off to the holiday season. I’m looking forward to watching the Nutcracker from a completely different angle in a couple of weeks, when I’m back in Chicago reviewing the Joffery’s production. As much as I’m looking forward to watching the professionals take the stage (I can’t wait to see the Sugar Plum Fairy pas de duex and snow scene Joffrey-style), I do hope they include some children in their version, too (and I expect they will). There’s something really huge to be said for featuring children in a ballet like this one. I wouldn’t want any young dancer to be denied the chance to have the memory of dancing in a full-length production of the Nutcracker. It is a children’s story, after all.